Earnestly wondering whether our Tumblr followers are interested in a semi-recurring feature entitled ‘Conversations with Diplo’ in which I screencap e-mails I have received from Diplo and then assign them a Pitchfork-like rating of 0 to 10 based mostly on

Which you would think would be a given but believe it or not about 20 to 60 percent of written communication from this dude is indecipherable.

Okay so I’m kidding about the recurring feature thing but seriously, you guys, I can’t get over how dumb he is.  Still don’t believe me?  The other night when I was bored/drunk I e-mailed him.  Really.

Here’s how it went down: after tweeting things like this and this I had begun to work a glance at his Twitter page into my internet-presence-consumption-routine for damage control purposes only.  Sunday afternoon I noticed that he had like 99,800 followers.  So to that end I sent him an e-mail and said something like “FYI I have been refreshing your page every 30 minutes for the last embarrassing number of hours because I’m determined to be your 100,000th follower; when I achieve it I think I deserve a prize.” (I blame cabin fever for all of this, just so you know.)  (Also of note: I probably didn’t use a semi-colon or the word ‘achieve’ but I’m ‘smarting it up’ for you guys.)

I got this back almost immediately:

‘Shit’, I thought.  Whole sentences?  Punctuation?  Maybe I was wrong about this guy.  Rating: 8.9

Thought ‘maybe he has an intern on staff to write his e-mails so he doesn’t appear illiterate’ but figured an intern would be off work after midnight.  Resisted the urge to write back “is the sticker from one of your coloring books” and instead wrote back something like “I deserve both because of the amount of effort I’m putting in here.”

Got this back two minutes later:

“We done” with what?  Waiting for your followers to reach 100,000?  Did you actually take the time to calculate that?  Honestly wondering what sort of logarithm he used to arrive at ‘four hours’ because it took about twelve.  Diplo sucks at math = not the most shocking thing you will learn today.  Rating: 7.2

So then I wrote something back like “jesus” and “if I have to stay up all night I deserve something better than a hat, you better follow me back or something.”  To which I received this:

Uhhhh because I stayed up all night waiting to be your 100,000th follower, genius?

Here’s the Diplo I know and love.  Five words, two misspellings, one usage of text slang, no capitalization.  Rating: 2.6

Write back something at the intersection of defeated and sarcastic like “because I tweet awesome things all day long and sexy pics DUH” and “you better entertain me if you expect me to stay up all night” but then I go to bed because I’m bored.

One hour later I receive this:

Rating: 0.0

Subtitle: ‘jesus christ’

And I write this back:

Later that day I go to a bar to ‘work’ aka ‘stare at my Tumblr dashboard and refresh Diplo’s Twitter account’ and I notice that he is at 99,999 so I add him and then screencap this, which I e-mail him and ask for my prize:

I wait (im)patiently for awhile and then he tweets this lil gem (the twitpic is my screencap):

Gawd you guys do I even need to outline all my thoughts on this one?  Okay fine I will:

1) Congrats on all the words being spelled correctly (provided ‘woowoo’ is just some sort of gutteral expression and thus cannot be spellchecked).
2) Really hope he does not actually believe that I have been holding out to become his 100,000th follower since the inception of his Twitter account; seems like that is ‘quite obviously not the case’ but we’re also not dealing with the sharpest crayon in the box here.  In any case I realize that waiting semi-diligently for ~24 hrs is pretty dedicated/pathetic, but jeez, it’s no 3 yrs.
3) 1k?  What?  Like I understand the need for ‘internet shorthand’ but it seems like the meaning is entirely lost here?  Like I was anticipating this tweet and honestly had to look at it for ~60 seconds before I realized it was even about me, and it says my own name for christsakes.  This bro truly is a wordsmith.
4) Sidenote: Lolzing that Mad Decent is Diplo’s label as in Diplo = Mad Decent and ‘it’ tweeted him this.  What do you think is more likely, that someone else uses the phrase ‘big ups’ or that he sent a tweet to congratulate himself?
5) Rating: 10.0 because I get a ‘shout out.’ #narcissism

Still waiting for my sticker.