I sign up for CatholicMatch.com, have an existential crisis.

This is the church we go to:

It’s not as scary as it looks except for this statue of Saint Bartholomew where he is holding his skinned corpse:

Anyway, every time we go to mass there are tons of hot Catholic bros all by themselves.  The place is literally crawling.  But the question is, are they single?  How will I ever find out?  By signing up for CatholicMatch.com, obvi.

So I did, just to ‘try it out’ slash out of the morbid curiosity which will certainly kill me one day, and, as you might imagine, it was kind of an uncomfortable experience.

I start by answering the demographic questions, easy enough. Then right out the gate we get mad serious:

So umm a) pretty sure these are not ‘the right answers’ and b) I already lied once (guess which thing I lied about).  I lied on a religious questionnaire.  This is not a good start if I’m gonna land an awesome Catholic bro.

But oh well, I’m feeling pretty chill about it via every Catholic I know loves to drink and by ‘occasionally’ I mean ‘smoke regularly but quit whenever I feel like it and then un-quit when I feel depressed/existential but then quit again’ so I figure that’s workable.

Then the Catholic questions start.  Oof.

I honestly don’t have any idea what the answer to this question is, but ‘Roman’ seems right.  Right?

What I would like you (and my potential Catholic lover) to read into this is: a) really effing scared of demons, and b) I will do whatever I have to do not to get demoned (not sure what those other two words mean, but I want them too if they will keep me from getting chomped in my sleep).

And then CatholicMatch.com gets reeeeal.  I have to answer a series of Catholic-y questions that I am guessing are probably ‘dealbreakers.’  Okay, here we go.

Okay you guys (and I tread really lightly here, so imagine me saying this in my most sheepish voice possible)… does anybody actually believe this?  Like I mean ‘yeah, sure, the pope is infalliable’ but like do we realize that what this means is that the pope has never and will never do anything wrong?  Or like ‘insofar as it relates to dogma’ at which point we have to separate what is dogma and what is not.  Hmm.  Confused.  Answered ‘no.’  #CatholicMatchFail

Okay I thought this meant that Jesus not Mary was born without sin until like two weeks ago so I guess I haven’t sufficiently thought through this yet?  Thought ‘she probably sinned’ but then thought ‘what is sin’ and ‘didn’t we decide what sin was based on what Jesus said and she was pre-Jesus’ and then thought ‘maybe pre-Jesus the Old Testament decided sin’ ‘but didn’t Jesus cancel the Old Testament rules’ and then just sort of fell in a philosophical hole/put Passion Pit on my iTunes and moved on.

LOL.  They should honestly rephrase this as ‘Are you DTF’ or ‘Are you marriage material.’

Maybe I like inaccurately assume that 95% of adults have sex and some just say they don’t because they’re nervous/think I want to hear that/etc etc so this sort of question makes me feel mad uncomfortable = feels like if I say ‘yes’ I am saying something nasty like ‘please yes let’s have sex without a condom’ but maybe that is just my heathen brain making leaps.

Okay, I want to point something out to you.  Think it’s pretty effing hilarious that I have to tell you if I use birth control and approve of premarital sex (and if I have tattoos/piercings, how much TV I watch, and how much I work out) but I get to keep it to myself if I’m not quite comfortable ‘going there’ re: my liturgical style until we’ve been on a few dates.

Heehee.  Is there a place where I can put ‘I’ll date whichever of you giggled when you read this?’

Now that we’ve got the serious questions out of the way, let’s start with the asinine ones!

Lolzing so hard at this.  Seems like we can connect on such a deep level if we have the same favorite color.  Will give the bros something to talk to me about when they send me an emoti-message.  Picked white because it seems the most ‘holy’ (maybe they’ll overlook that whole whorey sex thing).

Disappointed there is no category for ‘celebrity gossip’ or ‘fashion’ or ‘sex tips.’  Like actually legitimately disappointed.  Anti-feminist, uppity bullshit.

Genuinely embarrassed that none of my hobbies are on this list.  For the record, they are: drinking, watching elimination reality TV shows, bitching philosophically, bitching philosophically about elimination reality shows, bitching philosophically about elimination reality shows while drinking.  Also, gChat.

I answer more questions about my favorite types of food and what I like to watch on TV and then fiiiiinally I get the opportunity to tell them a little bit about myself.  Since I already feel like there is probably not a Catholic bro on this planet who is still interested me (or at least not one who would also be interested in finding women on CatholicMatch.com), I consider writing this:

Or maybe this:

But then the weight of the existential crisis I’m experiencing begins to take its toll and I realize that I should just own my Catholic unloveableness and fill it out.  What I come up with is perhaps the most honest assessment of my romantic life that I have ever produced:

In conclusion, now I am getting a bunch of weird e-mails from people who want to meet me regardless of the fact that I have answered every single invasive question possible and we don’t agree on any of the issues (and this is all without a photo, even).  And so far all Scandinavians and no DJs.

The things I do for you guys.