DAS RACIST ON PHILOLZOPHY

So last month I hung out with Das Racist. Or basically a bunch of my friends and I went to see their show in some tiny weird town which incidentally they referred to as their craziest show ever which I believe because there was really no differentiation between the stage and the crowd (as you can see in this picture in which I look slightly more presentable than in the one above while backing my ass up to 2/3rds of the band). Anyway we stayed in the Country Inn & Suites room 107 and it just so happened that Das Racist were staying in room 101, 103, and 105.

After their show I walked up to Victor who was being accosted by fangurls and I was like, “Hey these chicks are weird come hang out with my friends our hotel room is right by yours” and he said, “Okay” so we went back to our hotel and did a bunch of fun and weird stuff like playing chicken in the pool and watching The Nanny and four-way spooning and jumping on beds. As it turns out he is as smart and interesting as all da blogz assert so at some point I was like, “Oh my god I have a philosophy and pop culture blog can I interview you for it” and he was like, “Yeah totally” but for a few reasons (one of them being the clear liquid in those classy hotel cups) we couldn’t make my friend’s iPad recording device work (do iPads even have that, honestly curious in retrospect) so it didn’t happen.

Backing up a second… what is the philosophy interview? Well awhile ago we got this vague, partially-serious idea to e-mail all the indie celebs we know and ask them a series of questions that are basically well-known paradoxes in philosophy with the intention that the interviewees would just make fun of it and write lolzy answers = the foundational definition of phiLOLZophy.

Anyway, fortunately for me we exchanged numbers so I texted him a few days later and was like, “Hey can we still do that sweet ass philosophy interview” and he obliged. (PS I kind of love this dude really hard; he sends me hilarious e-mails like this and once a picture of Fergie with Carrot Top’s face superimposed over it.)

What follows is the first incarnation of a possibly recurring feature called _____ (insert indie celeb) on phiLOLZophy: Volume One brought to you by Victor Vazquez of Das Racist (also self-referentially known as KOOL A.D.).

1. Can god make a square circle?

KOOL A.D.: If God existed he could do whatever he wanted.

2. Can god make a boulder so big that god cannot move it?

KOOL A.D.: That’s why God doesn’t exist.

3. What is the purpose of life?

KOOL A.D.: SMOKE WEED FUK BISHES

4. One grain of sand is not a pile, and two is not, but 10 million is. At which point dothe grains of sand become a pile?

KOOL A.D.: Who cares?

5. How many unicorns don’t exist?

KOOL A.D.: All of them.

6. How do I know that I actually exist and that I’m not just a brain in a vat? 

KOOL A.D.: Because where’s the vat?

7. If time travel was possible, could you go back in time and kill your own grandfather? 

KOOL A.D.: If time travel were possible I would not kill my grandfather.

8.  If you know what you’re looking for, inquiry is unnecessary. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, inquiry is impossible. Therefore, inquiry is either unnecessary or impossible. Disprove this. 

KOOL A.D.: What?

9. If god exists, god is by definition all-powerful and all-good. Yet evil exists. Why?

KOOL A.D.: See question two.

10. Is it possible to be moral by accident? (Ex: You take a loaf of bread from a store without paying for it. Then you lose it and a homeless person eats it, keeping him alive when he otherwise would’ve died. Also as it turns out the bread was a day old so they were giving it away for free and you didn’t actually steal it, so you didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ and in fact by doing something you thought was wrong, you helped someone in need. Were you moral?)

KOOL A.D.: No, that’s all coincidence.

11. The traditional definition of knowledge is a justified, true belief. (Ex: I believe that it is 68 degrees in my apartment. I believe this, I’m justified in believing it because I’m staring at my thermostat, and it’s true because my thermostat is scientifically accurate.) Can you come up with an example where you are justified in believing something, and that thing is true, but you still don’t have knowledge?

KOOL A.D.: If your thermostat was broken but it was actually like 67 degrees or something.

12. Can we say anything is objectively true given that human interpretation is necessarily subjective? 

KOOL A.D.: Maybe.

13. Schroedinger’s Cat is a famous thought experiment in quantum theory. It goes like this: We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive).Questions: Is the cat dead or alive, does this make any sense, does it matter at all, and/or does this make more sense high.

KOOL A.D.: Can’t we just say the cat’s alive until we open the box?