Things We Considered Blogging About to Impress Steve Roggenbuck

Hi Guyz.

We met this really chill bro Steve Roggenbuck this weekend. He is a poet, internet prank player, and hardcore Belieber. We were approximately ten miles down the road when I turned to the other Lolz Doll and said, “I. Fucking. Love. Steve. Roggenbuck.” You should buy some of his e-cards and read his poems.

Anyways, now I feel an immense amount of pressure to blog something really fucking awesome that Steve Roggenbuck might be interested in. Maybe he’ll @ me or flarf some of my shit.

So here’s a list of things we considered blogging about in order to impress Steve Roggenbuck.

OMG Steve Roggenbuck is so Keut

No explanation needed. This was just going to be your average 5 paragraph post detailing the things we think are extra keut about Steve Roggenbuck. The way he says “hi guyz,” the constant stream of interesting observations on how funny it is when people tweet things like “it’s the frickin’ Superbowl!”, his picky eating habits, his earnest care for the welfare of Justin Bieber, the fact that we thought he was gay after watching his ‘Ustream presence.’

Flarf Poetry + Mashupcore

Steve’s interested in taking flarf poetry to the twittersphere or living the flarf lyf, or something. I asked if he thought you could relate flarf to mashup or cut ups and he didn’t think so, but maybe I could make my case via blog and win his respect. Probably I would involve Derrida in this post somehow.

Steve Roggenbuck Owns the Internet

Steve is really ahead of his time and derives a lot of pleasure from doing things like google bombing (like when you google ‘2011 Poet Laureate’ the first result is Poncho Peligroso’s website), vandalizing Wikipedia to help Poncho Peligroso win a bet against us, and flarfing the shit out of mainstreamers. We thought we could just write about zany things we think Steve could do on the internet next, like redirect the Thought Catalog to justinbieber.com (at one point he said “hi guyz I found a new Thought Catalog; it’s bieberfever.com” so this didn’t seem like too much of a stretch), making the Lolz Dollz the 2011 Blog Laureates, or starting a new Twitter account where he tweets 70-100x per day from the perspective of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Things that are Dorky to Litsters

I’m not a litster so I’m not super familiar with the ways they’re different from regular bros or hipsters, but I do know that they have some very different ideas about what is dorky that this post would highlight. I think litsters think it’s dorky when you read Stephen King. I know they think its dorky to care about prosaic things like sports. They probably also think its dumb to be a bro or a girlbro or have any kind of unironically mundane twitter presence.

A Review of Steve Roggenbuck’s Chapbook

The review would simply be every poem and then a ‘<3’ after each one.

Something About Justin Bieber Being an Authentic Philosopher

Actually, we should probably do this. Going to.

Something About Veganism that Disparages Peter Singer

Steve is a vegan who doesn’t like Peter Singer for some reason. Peter Singer is the reason I am alive today and also the reason one of us has a Master’s degree.  I threw a plate of vegan appetizers on the floor because I saw Peter Singer come out of an elevator and I wanted to talk to him. We probably couldn’t do this. Maybe Steve will guest post. Missu Peter.

A Fictional First-Hand Account of the Day Steve Roggenbuck Invented the Helvetica Font

An excerpt: I just couldn’t get it up for Comic Sans anymore. We’d been through some tough times together and I felt like I had to have some amount of loyalty for it. I used Comic Sans on the e-card I sent to my high school girlfriend asking her to prom and on the break-up letter I sent her later that summer when I discovered Brad Paisley mp3s encrypted in her iTunes. Comic Sans was there for me, but I’d outgrown it; I needed a new font, something that was on that next level shit. I felt guilty when I started looking at other fonts. At first I just noticed some sweet typography on vegan food product labels but, before I knew what had happened, I was up at 4am networking with European designers in underground font forums. I guess that’s how I got the idea to simply make my own font. By that point I was so deep in I’d never feel completely comfortable in someone else’s font. I needed something that encompassed ‘Steve Roggenbuck’ and I had to create it myself.

A Conspiracy Theory About Celebrities Wearing Red Stocking Caps in Order to Impress Steve Roggenbuck

This would be some kind of skitch meme post we’d try to get maximum rebloggability out of by including a laundry list of alt celebs with red hats, possibly with superimposed lines from ‘i am like october when i am dead.’

Miss you, Steve. You’re crushing it.