Which Philosopher Do You Most Want to Punch in the Gut?

Read a sweet post called ‘Which Philosopher do you Most Want to Punch in the Gut?” and immediately knew that our collective phiLOLZophy answer would be Kant. Kant suxxx so hard. Kant suxxx so much we invented a drinking game called “reasons Kant suxxx” where you go around in a circle and list reasons Kant sucks until you can’t anymore and then you have to drink. The game in itself kind of suxxx cuz you don’t really get to drink ever cuz there are so many reasons.

Here’s a list of reasons Kant suxxx + should be gut-punched:

• Kant was the least chill philosopher ever. There’s a story about Kant that people in his town set their watches by his evening walks because he was so prompt. OMG THIS IS SO BORING go to a rave and chill out bb.
• “The Silent Decade” Y U No go on forever?????
• “Pure reason” LOL
• Kant hated spending time with other people. Okay? I don’t like spending time with you either.
• Deontology is so dumb. Like, its going to be the official ethical structure of Skynet but it’s unfit for human consumption.
• Kant has no swag. He probably thought swag was immoral, because he said everything else he sucked at was immoral, like partying or getting laid or doing anything fun whatsoever.
• Dude said a dickload of na$ty ass pretentious things like “do what is right even though the world may perish.” SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS. Okay, if the world perishes, it seems like probably the ‘right’ thing was exactly the other thing? And, what kind of statement is this because is Joe Ethics Student/Bonehead really going to have to make a choice between saving the world and doing what is ‘right?’ AND this says nothing about what ‘right’ is that it’s so chill you can let the rest of the world die for it. Like this is just dumb philosotwee shit for people to put on their Facebook profiles but IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. OMG.
• “Two things awe me the most, the starry sky above me and the moral law within me.” ‘Oh, seems cool, yer so deep.’
• His name is Kant. Come on, that one is easy.