Online Dating Profiles of the Wise and Famous

My Self-Summary: Hey, what’s up. I’m an easy going guy looking for love or just a date to the next symposium.
What I’m Doing with My Life: What do you mean by ‘doing’? If you think about how we don’t exist in the past or the future, you know ‘accomplishing something’ over a period of time is an illusion. But if you mean, like, how do I occupy most of my time I usually just chill hard with my bros at the academy and the oracle at Delphi.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: My eyes or my smile
The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: my vocal cords, my overactive sense of importance, people to listen to me talk, less intelligent people whose arguments I can rip to shreds, Plato to write down all my shit for me, alcohol/symposi-raves.
You Should Message Me If: You know any good wisdom w/r/t the nature of reality, why evil exists, how to attain knowledge, or relevant cures for hemlock.

My Self-Summary: Feminist French existentialism philosopher and all around boss bitch.
What I’m Doing With My Life: Being ‘sooooo mysterious’ on account of possessing a vagina, smoking cigs, reminding people that I’m smarter than Jean-Paul Sartre, fucking Jean-Paul Sartre.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: That there’s a chick walking around the philosophy department.
Six Things I Could Never Live Without: What about six things I can live without? Marriage, children, age of consent, immanence, misogynists, a good reputation.
You Should Message Me If: You are interested in women as human beings that are just like men with different body parts and not ethereal, hysterical baby makers, or you want to do some weird sex stuff with me and JP.

My Self-Summary: So I really, really hate women. But this mensch isn’t gonna über itself I you know what I mean?
What I’m Doing with My Life: Willing to power, shitting on your ideas about fate and religion.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: Syphilis sores
The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: Pssshhh I could live without anything. Life is meaningless.
You Should Message Me If: You have a horse face, like joyless philosophy bros, and will never refer to me as your ‘Freddy Bear.’

My Self-Summary: Just a laid back dude tryna promote pleasure out there, you know.
What I’m Doing with My Life: Trying to life like Socrates dissatisfied versus a pig satisfied. Which means I am trying to read poetry and have intellectual discussions in addition to eating, sleeping, and fucking, my three favorite hobbies.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: Probably my dead mentor in a glass cage.
The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: pleasure, happiness, utility, the absence of pain, hedons, and any other way to say the same thing.
You Should Message Me If: You want to promote the greatest amount of pleasure for the greatest number of people. In other words, you’re interested in meeting me and my roommate for a no-strings-attached threeway.

My Self-Summary: I’m a single individual looking for someone to help comfort me re: my awareness of the chasm between gravity and grace.
What I’m Doing with my Life: Thinking about my ability and inability to understand the divine transcendent reality, be a good person, live a ‘meaningful’ life. Existing in absurdity, etc.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me: fear + trembling
The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: the Socratic method, faith, contradictions, pseudonyms, popped collars, hair gel
You Should Message Me If: You’re a good Christian girl ready to take a leap of faith into my <3.