Philolzophy Answers YOUR Questions!

So here’s the deal, we monitor our analytics because, you know, we needed another thing to be neurotic about. Probably my favorite thing about this is looking at the Google keyword searches that bring people to our blog. Some highlights include searches for the phrase “mega shits” or “kant sucks” (see guys, we aren’t the only ones) or “buried life douche” (for which we are the number one result, *takes a bow*).

Unfortunately for them, we get a lot of hits from people searching for answers to life’s toughest questions, and then hitting our blog on posts that don’t actually answer these questions. So we decided we’d do the webosphere a favor and answer some of the more… interesting questions we’ve inadvertantly been asked.

Is Existentialism Scary?

I mean, yeah it’s kind of scary. In the sense that having some sort of worldview/belief in fate/God’s plan/etc makes life cushy and comfy and you probably think people are good and everyone really loves each other underneath and that world peace is possible because it just has to be. Existentialism is like the abandoned parking garage of that world. Life is big and empty and scary and nondescript and that is pretty scary. But the upshot is that you get to make it into something awesome if you want, and you don’t have to suffer the consequences of ignorance.

Existentialism is not scary in the way that my dad thought it was when he threw away my Nietzsche biography and copy of The Plague that I brought on family vacation when I was seventeen.

How to Have Sex?

First you need to ready your respective genitalia. If you are a boy this isn’t very hard except make sure you learn how to put on a condom but there are YouTube videos for that. If you are a girl hopefully you’ve, you know, “explored the area” enough that you won’t break in half and cry. Try that if you haven’t. Trim your inevitable bush regardless of gender. Go somewhere where horny people your age and demographic hang out, whether that is a house party after prom, a frat party, a dive bar, or the Delta Sky lounge. Try to smell good.

Go back to your car/house/hotel room and put your genitals together. Don’t try anything fancy; just have the boy lay on the girl and thrust back and forth at a slow-to-medium-slow pace. Make little sounds to tell the other person you like it or else they will think you are awkward and want the sex to stop as soon as possible. Go home and tell all of your friends.

Godspeed, virgin.

Is it Sinful for Men to Wear Nail Polish?

I would like to begin by asking you whether you think it is sinful for women to wear thong panties and open-toed shoes. Is it sinful for white people to talk to black people? Is it sinful to watch PG-13 movies? Do you shudder a little bit when you click past VH1 (MTV is blocked obviously but you keep VH1 because Sunday mornings at six a.m. they play Christian music videos for twenty minutes)?

Let’s skip the obvious philosophical questions (a) what is sin; b) sin doesn’t exist probably; c) is sin relative) and get straight to the practicalities — umm, there are way worse things you can do, and also… no? I’ve said it before, but a) men doing “girly” things is not sinful; b) what does “girly things” mean anyway; c) you are conflating sin with your discomfort with men breaking gender roles, which is not only antiquated but kinda oppressive and shitty.

In other words, wear dat polish, BOI.

How Do You Become a User on Hipster Runoff?

1. Be white, male, privledged, and between the ages of sixteen and twenty-two.
2. Make a dopey nickname like “Brosama bin Ladin” or “Spinbroza” to use as your commentor identity.
3. Take your personality.
4. Discard it.
5. Absorb Carles’ ‘personality.’ (See, just like that)
6. Put your head as far up Carles’ metaphorical internet ass as possible. Try hard to be the first commentor. Interact with other commentors. Start comment fights. Stalk the shit out of HRO-related personalities who you might have the luck of actually interacting with, like Bebe Zeva (yeah we get a lot of traffic searching for you too, hi Bebe).
7. Repeat all of this a lot until you graduate college or get a girlfriend/hobby/job/life or Carles actually quits for real.

How do I Ask my Sister to Have Sex with Me?

Man, I mean I feel like if you have to ask you probably don’t have a shot, meaning the typical roses-chocolates-candlelight-merlot routine isn’t going to work (look at me being so damn progressive and not judging you for wanting to fuck your sister! I mean, to each his own, man…) (pun intended). Anyway in complete honesty the only thing I can think of is like “get her really drunk and throw yourself at her” but I’m not really sure incestuous date rape is something phiLOLZophy really wants to be promoting, so yeah, don’t do that.

I don’t know… maybe just try to move on?

How to Take Suggestive Pictures of Yourself?

1. Turn off 25-75% of the lights (depends on what we’re working with here).
2. If you’re taking nudeish pictures, leave your face out unless the person is a) trustworthy or b) you don’t care about your future/life.
3. If they’re not nude, resist the urge to pout. You will always look like a dumbass.
4. Tuck in the unattractively squishy parts and stick out the attractively squishy parts.
5. No vagina shots. Ever. (Sorry if this is sexist.)
6. Take two hundred. Send three.

(Alternatively, get really bored at work. Decide you don’t want to work. Decide the way to not work is be an NBA wife like your idol Khloe Kardashian. Gchat the other lolz doll to buy some alcohol. Get together and take 500+ pics rolling around naked on an NBA jersey. Never speak of this night ever again.)

Apologetic, Karma-Balancing Bonus Item

We get lots of hits everyday for people looking for Google images of Megan Boyle. And they find a picture that maybe leads them to a hypothesis we considered that had perhaps not the nicest connotations in the whole entire world *sheepish face, hangs head*. So for all y’all creeps tryna peep a pic of Megan, here is a super gorgeous picture of her that I sniped from her Facebook. Seriously I think this pic is so adorable that I have it saved to my iPhone and computer (who is the creep now).

Here is a little boost to help this post beat the other one on Google image search:

“Megan Boyle” “Megan Boyle picture” “hot pics of Megan Boyle” “hott pix of Megan Boyle” “Megan Boyle is hot” “Megan Boyle Tao Lin” “Megan Boyle photo” “Megan Boyle sex kitten” “Megan Boyle is a total hot babe” “Oh my god look how hot Megan Boyle is” “Megan Boyle is totally cute” “Megan Boyle is totes kewt” “<3 u Megan Boyle” “Hey Megan Boyle, sorry we were an asshole.”

The end.

PS (Should this be our next blog post?)