Reasons to Get a Degree in Philosophy

Most people don’t really understand majoring in something that may or may not require you to live in a box for the rest of your life but they at least respect it. Business majors will laugh and say some loud dumbass thing to you. Biology bros will be like “have fun eating Ramen in your ivory tower while I’m laying on a couch being fed grapes by doctor groupies.” But there are some fringe benefits to this field of study that they don’t advertise in the course manual:

You will never lose an argument again. Unless your eastern or feminist philosophy professor is especially devoted to their subject, every single class you take will be taught by the Socratic method. This means the professor will ask someone what something means, wait for them to respond, and then give the entire class a point by point analysis of why that was the dumbest answer in the world. This sucks for a class or two until you get used to it and gain the ability to do this internally so that when you do answer your response is slightly more well received.

Additionally you have a whole pool of big words you can pull out to invalidate an argument someone else makes. If you tell someone they’re guilty of making a straw person argument or poisoning the well or appealing to an unqualified authority or accuse them of being uncharitable or misogynist or adversarial you win that point of the argument and disarm their recalculations. Like, they know you’re a heavy hitter and usually give up.

You’ll get laid. If you are a girl, guys will say, “Wow, she’s hott and smart — not like all the other girls I meet!” If you are a guy, girls will say, “Wow, he’s hott and he must be really thoughtful and reflective and in touch with his feelings!” Though the latter case is rarely true, it will most assuredly get you laid anyway. Even the average bar attendee wants to be assured on some level that he or she is smart, and winning over then banging a philosopher is kind of a literal way to make oneself feel totally brillant. Of course we philosophers know that intelligence and bangability definitely do not correlate on a one-to-one ratio, but no one needs to tell them that, right?

Because you want to. If you’re not intellectually curious enough to actually wonder about the subject, you’ll fail miserably and everyone will hate you. There’s a lot of people who think philosophy is pointless because especially at the entry level it tears down a lot of commonly held beliefs without offering a replacement. But if you’re smart and like to mash up your reality TV and keg parties with a little thinking now and again, this might be a good choice for you.

To make your parents mad. If you are feeling rebellious for whatever reason and the typical drugs-n-promiscuity doesn’t seem right for you, try majoring in Philosophy.

Because you totally suck at math and science, and you aren’t creative enough to study something like art or English. This is the Philosophy major by default. You’re going to get terrible grades and your classmates will make fun of you behind your back for years to come (seriously our five year reunion is this month and as we type this on Google Doc we’re still LOLing about one of ours) but at least you won’t have to drop out or go to technical school and study cars or something.