Pros and Cons of Having a Moderately-Sized Tumblr Following
Realize how it probably feels to have a 10 inch dick or double Ds. Everyone wants to know just how big ‘it is’ and you’ll never tell, you’ll just vaguely wag it around a little re: 50+ notes on everything you idly shit out.
Feel like you could not blog for 1-10 weeks and nothing bad would happen. Anxiety reduces. You can sleep a little better at night.
When people leave you replies/reblogs/comments/messages that say, “OMFG YOU ARE SO RETARDED” you can brush it off and think, “Yeah, and people told Speidi they were retarded too, but they laughed all the way to the bank!!!”
When you post something about your rampant drug use/gay sexual experiences/weird sexual fetishes/disdain for religion and then lose a dozen followers, you don’t have to give a fuck!
When your parents confront you because you are upwards of 25 and ask, “What you plan to do with your life” and you don’t have an answer, you can think to yourself, “My unplanned, worthless future has thousands of Tumblr followers; suck on that, Mom!”
Worry that your followers somehow got tricked into following you because the last post was funny but the previous three hundred sucked ass.
Feel insecure that your follower count has increased by 25% in the last month but the same ten clingers that have been following since day one are the only people that ‘like’ anything you do (see: your cousin, college roommate, needy regretful ex-boyfriend, best friend, and the personal Tumblr of one of the contributors).
Start to eat, sleep, and breathe follower count. Go on dates and refresh your Tumblr app at least three times. Set goals and say things like, “If we don’t hit 3,000 followers by the 4th of July I’m going to kill myself.”
Follow meme blogs like L0L Cats and that other really hot asshole who mostly just GPOYs (can’t think of his Tumblr account, I’m sure you’ll all remind me) and feel like self-harming when they say, “Hey buddies thanks for my 20,000th follower!”
Live and die by your pageviews. Realize that Tumblr gets shit for pageviews off the dashboard. Start making your blog unapproachable and awkward, filled with all kinds of click thrus and read mores and hot links to your own pages. Lose 10% of your followers.
Give up. Start a new Tumblr. Tell yourself this Tumblr is about ‘you’ and posting only things you want to hear, regardless of audience. After three days give in and start courting previous audience. Wait six months. Repeat this list.