So last night while I was watching the Greatest American Love Story aka part one of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to that vaguely attractive basketball player I started thinking about what if all the Kardashians died. Like, at the same time. In a plane crash or something.
Before you leave me an aggressive comment about how “the Kardashians are people too” and the inappropriateness of my joke, let me tell you that I am not joking. That is a sincere question. What if all the Kardashians died?
If you ask the average person what they think about the Kardashians, without a doubt the vast majority of people will make the expected commentary: the Kardashians are materialistic, the Kardashians are idiots, the Kardashians are whores, the Kardashians are insane, the Kardashians are everything that is wrong with America.
But implied by the fact that every person has an opinion about the Kardashians is that everyone–and I mean everyone–knows who they are. My little brother who doesn’t even own a television recently mentioned his affinity for Lamar and Khloe. Everyone knows Kris Humphries is a douche bag, Scott Disick is a disaffected asshole you love to hate, Khloe’s the tall, outspoken one, Kourtney’s the tiny, sarcastic one, Kris is manic and Bruce is catatonic.
Chances are the Kardashian streak will eventually come to an end and they will fade into obscurity, only coming up with we play Trivial Pursuit: Early 2000s and in essays on our culture’s obsession with “famous for being famous” reality stars.
But sometimes a buzzworthy person’s legacy will live on, and that usually happens when they die. Amy Winehouse will live on as our generation’s Elvis instead of a singer with one great album who battled drugs, never achieved fame again, faded from our memory and died of old age sitting in a recliner. (Spare me the “Winehouse is actually talented” argument because that doesn’t negate my point regarding their legacy.)
Anyway, so… what if all the Kardashians died? I wonder how we would respond. Would we all of a sudden love them? Would we call them American royalty? Would we be silently embarrassed for the amount of television coverage it got and the associated commentary on our collective celebrity-making? What if some didn’t die, would we make it into an E! show? Would we be wrong for wanting to participate in their mourning? Or would we put them on the couches of Oprah and Anderson Cooper and Diane Sawyer and break the fourth wall of their fantasy world?
I hope the Kardashians don’t die. I for one will be honest and say I love the Kardashians (the Kourtney-Disick-Mason triumvirate being my personal favorite) but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if they did.