Cool Things About Modern Technology that Make Breaking Up With Someone Easier

You can block them on Gchat. Spend 75% of your waking hours nervously wondering why they aren’t initiating contact with you on Gchat or why they aren’t responding verbosely or whether their “busy” status is legit? Simple solution — block them! If you don’t exist on Gchat, you barely exist at all.

You can send them to voicemail. Thank god you don’t have to blindly answer a landline any more. Send that a-face to voicemail and figure out what they want on your own time.

You can figure out where they are on Foursquare. This is especially useful if your ex goes a lot of the places you go. I feel like it’s equally likely that you want to completely avoid them or you want to deliberately run into them, dependent on a variety of factors including the kind of hair day you’re having, whether you are wearing a new outfit, how hot and unfamiliar to your ex the people you are hanging with are, etc. Foursquare can help you “accidentally bump into them” or avoid them like the plague. You can also check into the Foursquare locations of people who will make them feel real jealous. (For the record I do not have Foursquare if you are reading this, ex-boyfriend. Not everything I write is about you.)

iPods. Today during my commute I listened to a playlist containing songs by Third Eye Blind and Crystal Castles. I considered driving off a cliff but I also felt a sense of catharsis. What if I had to drive and listen to, like, NPR. Jesus.

Twitpic. Probably you can upload pictures of hot new people you meet if you happen to meet them and make the person jealous. Or you can at least like tweet boner-inspiring pictures of yourself actually wearing lipstick for once. Whichever.