First of all, this is existential crisis, like, 27. Shouldn’t I be a bit more stable by now? I always think about that Rolling Stones song 19th Nervous Breakdown because the protagonist thinks she’s cool probably, but she’s just a boring girl that puts too much pressure on herself to create drama and escape her mundane life. So, probably, existential crisis are a sign of weakness about facing the existential worldview rather than a sign of an intelligent mind.
Second, my existential crisis is probably about boys which is so embarassing and lame. I feel like an awful person because, idk, maybe I am a misandrist and hate men and treat them like toys or evil creepers instead of equals. Trying to get close to a guy is an adventure either in trying to get someone to like me or in stroking their hair and hoping they don’t start crying again. Either way, I’m dealing with things, not people. I can be vulnerable, and I can be patient just not usually to the same person and I’m realizing this is probably my doing more than the luck of the draw. Ockham’s razor, you know.
The guy I want to love me probably feels the same way I feel about this lame guy I have no feelings for that keeps asking me out. This is, the. worst. feeling.
I guess I thought I would be at a different place by 26. I could be progressing more with my career, but I like where I am because I like talking about Cosmo articles with my coworkers. It gives me happiness, how many people can say that?
I don’t think therapy is helping. Like, am I supposed to tell her what she’s supposed to ask me about? Because, I understand she wants to talk about what’s on my chart but I spend the whole time hoping she’s not going to start asking about my relationships.
I’m just in a rut. Because I work all the time and its not challenging its just time consuming. I need to go on a trip. Climb a mountain. Something.
This is a hard life to live. I’m not starving or suffering or anything. I just feel like a zebra with a bunch of horses and I don’t get it.