Things to Have an Opinion About

Coffee. You can remain neutral on the subject of heaven and hell but to abstain from java-related preference is anathema. On the first day of your new job youll be asked if you are a coffee drinker, consider carefully how your response will inform your new brand. Beyond mere imbibers and tee-totaling is the nuance of preparation. Hot or cold? Sugar? Cream? Do you prefer tea instead? Soda? Do you allow your significant other to speak to you before you have some or are you like ‘totally wrecked’ without it?

Kids These Days. Kids just sit on their cell phones and don’t have any attention spans and are The End of Western Civilization As We Know It. You can come to their defense, too. Maybe they are more compassionate and a better communicator than you are. You must decide.

Chris Brown. Chris Brown is a huge fucking asshole douchebag. Chris Brown made a mistake and we should learn to forgive people. Chris Brown should be castrated. Chris Brown leads the NFC in completed passes. Chris Brown depreciated the value of my home by 4%.  One time I saw Chris Brown wearing army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops. Contact Chris Brown about networking opportunities in your area.

Weddings. Tell the story of your wedding. Which DJ did you use? How did you save money by using seasonal flowers instead of roses? Don’t let the glassy-eyed facade of the single person near you be a deterrent, centerpieces are a point of endless fascination for us all. Let the speculation on venues never cease. Onward and outward with talk of complimentary colors. Your opinion on the classiness of cloth napkins will be your Great Contribution to humankind.

People You Know From High School. Lindsey totally got fat, can you even believe it? Matt Parker is an accountant now, I wonder if he still blacks out on the reg. Remember when Natalie puked on Jason at Prom? Can’t believe they have three kids now. We’re so old.