How to Live in Minneapolis

If you want to live in Minneapolis you should be between the ages of 18-37, single and in some sort of creative profession. You can be any ethnicity you want, as long as you grew up in the suburbs and have a liberal arts degree. You have to have “unique” “niche” “interests” that fall within the realm of artsy, creative or liberal.

In order to live in Minneapolis you need to be into indie music and despair the local music scene except for Polica. You have to talk about how obnoxious and suburban downtown is on Saturday nights and only hang out at authentic places (places without a parking lot so outsiders can’t access them).

An important part of living in Minneapolis is that you must know everyone else in Minneapolis. This can easily be attained by reading the 15-17 print and online publications that exist exclusively to employ hip Minneapolis people name-dropping other hip Minneapolis people. If you want to live in Minneapolis you have to understand that it is a very small world and if you try to date a DJ and end up hating him your friends will continue to be friends with him, text him and attend his DJ nights.

In order to live in Minneapolis you must have a Facebook album of pics from your weekend at your friends cabin with your high school “crew.”

If you really want to fit in you must have very strong opinions on bikes and bike riding. You need to have horror stories about getting “clipped.” Argue over who “owns” the right lane, and talk about Critical Mass.

Attendance at the following events will be mandatory: Lake Calhoun on Saturday and Sunday every nice summer afternoon following brunch in Uptown, Rock the Garden, the downtown farmer’s market (bike there, obvi), Pride, First Ave, Kieran’s for every Minnesota sports playoff game, Stella’s or Drink on summer nights, Lyle’s on summer nights when its cold, Jager after Target Field, Target Field, Target, and basically anywhere else where you know at least 51% of the people there already.

I love you Minneapolis, I just need some fucking space, okay?