Life Lessons You Need to Learn by 25

When you get out of a vehicle, put your legs together. Seriously, did you even have a mom growing up? When you exit a cab in your slutty lil Saturday night number, touch your knees together. You may be distracted at this moment but the bros in line outside the bar are not.

Pay your damn bills. Your bills are due on a certain day each month. You should make a note of this in your calendar and pay them when they are due. The second notice is not a friendly reminder that you should get your wallet out. When your bills come, just pay them! Future you with a fiance and a mortgage counselor will kiss you on the lips for putting a minimal amount of effort into this.

Push back. People will assume you are young and stupid and otherwise ineffectual. They aren’t going to give you a chance, you actually have to show them that they are wrong. You should know from watching Clueless that nothing is final and everything is negotiable. Start here. Give people push back in a positive way, show them what you’re working with.

Clean yo self. If for no other reason than to get laid you should live in a place that is a) sanitary b) distinguishable from a slum and c) does not smell like a weight room. This is important! No one will be in a relationship with you if they envision spending their twilight years as your made and no one is going to spread their legs for the nasty half of the odd couple.

Gather your f-ing rosebuds. If you learn anything in your low-20s you should learn this: you are only young once. There is a finite amount of time that society will put up with you being a complete fuckup. You can get drunk and throw up in your partners bed only until you turn 25. After that, your friends will talk amongst themselves about your “drinking problem” while congratulating themselves over brunch about their corporate jobs.