Stalking Your Ex’s New Love Interest

I know its 2012 but I don’t really stalk love interests. I usually google them or look them up on facebook but its embarrassing to read about someone on the internet and if I want to continue liking them I’ll keep it to a minimum because I don’t want to look at their dorky CNN.com comments or know they once signed a petition for free range beef in their college caf. My professional level stalking is reserved for the girls dudes date after me.

As a category, they are just so morbidly fascinating. First of all, they aren’t me. Second they are just bizarre choices. A frumpy short-haired librarian who likes to play cribbage? I mean, that’s just so insulting. They are all inevitably have cats and are interested in are all really boring bourgeois things like ‘living in the city (until I get a ring then buying a house in the suburbs)’! ‘Brunch (where I discuss tv shows, music just not streamer enough to cool, my corporate job, apples, and of course, my wonderful fiancé!”

This one time I was so intrigued by the awfulness of this girl’s internet presence that I reduced the talents of the famous alt blogger I was chatting with at the time to making mean image macros about her. I asked Tao Lin if he would make it into some sweet art for like $50, but drew the line at going through with it.

This is what you do while you are waiting for the guts to swallow the pill that someone can move from a deep and real connection to one with someone so blase. Sure, she’s pseudo-intellectual enough to keep up the image with your friends that you’re the “non-douchebag” guy in the group, but let’s get real. You stared at the abyss and it starred back so you ran back into Plato’s cave to watch some cool shadows for the next portion of your life.

I think it would be better to feel hopelessly inferior to your ex’s new love interest. It would be easier to get over for sure because you understand the logic behind it. The person you loved is great and amazing and deserve someone who is those things too, maybe it wasn’t you. But when they go for someone who is the opposite of all the things you are proud of yourself about- what then? It’s hard to move on when you don’t understand the logic because you’re stuck asking yourself questions about if all the things you value (intelligence, being interesting) are really that great anyways.