The Bachelorette Recap: A Minivan Full of Babies

Hi Babes.

My girl bros follow The Bachelorette like dudes follow MMA: it’s a social event with lots of drinking and yelling things at the TV. So, we are going to try really hard not to blackout during the show this season so we can philolz about all the drama here.

Episode 1 aired last night and ABC didn’t really take a subtle approach to their marketing concept of portraying Bachelorette Emily as “America’s sweetheart.” This is fine, despite having a whole bunch of really annoying qualities like being southern, conservative and telling Chris Harrison that what she really wants out of the show is “a minivan full of babies,” Emily is actually really likeable. She is so sweet and well-intentioned that it’s pretty impossible to dislike her, a serious upgrade from the last two super blah girls on the show.

Worth mentioning was ABC’s pandering to the conservative people who watch the show that might think less of Emily for being a single mom- they literally explained that her having a kid is OK because her fiance died about a million times. Would it really be that awful if she just didn’t have a relationship with him?

Anyways we meet the guys this week. There’s 25 weirdos from around the globe trying to find love in a hopeless place (North Carolina).

The standouts:

Arie the tall/dark/handsome race car driver- the profession of her deceased fiance :(

Doug the single father who villanizes his ex because apparently it’s ok to cast a single father as long as he is the sole caretaker of his kid because his ex “walked out” on them. There’s one in every season. He reads a letter his son wrote and gets the first impression rose.

Ryan the ex football player is ripped as fuck and rolls around on his couch with his dog. ~bro heaven~

Potential villains for this season:

“Helicopter guy”/Kalon who literally showed up late in a helicopter to draw attention to the fact that he’s Very Busy/can show up in a helicopter. I really don’t need to hear/see anything else from this person. I can’t cheer for someone that desperate for attention.

“Jef one f” who rides in on a skateboard. He runs like the Tom’s shoes version of bottled water or something. Also seems histrionic.

People who will be sent home ASAP:

Steve the party DJ. Oh realz?

Alejandro/Alessandro. Only room for one Ale here, one of you has to go.

Oh and per the pending lawsuit alleging ABC is racist for not considering a black bachelor- they quick rounded up a token black guy for the show that was cut the first episode.

Then they preview the season and Chris Harrison fulfills his contractual obligation to call it the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette “ever.”