Conditions under which you should email me:

• I willfully gave you my email address and/or my email address is available on a protected profile you have access to and you want to a) chat b) ask a brief and appropriate favor c) invite me to something d) give me an FYI e) give me something that I want
• I have a crush on you and I only know you from the internet (this happens to me a lot)
• It is my birthday or a holiday or you have some other greeting and you fall into the category of people with whom talking on my phone makes my skin crawl: aunts and uncles, Christian cousins, former coworkers, exes I am on good terms with (lol yeah right)
• Your purpose is to invite me to a job interview, remind me of an overdo bill, ask me to donate blood, give me a political survey, etc. as I will absolutely not answer a phone number I don’t recognize and likely due to anxiety will not even listen to the voicemail (in most cases the best I can offer is to Google the phone number)
• You are my ex-boyfriend and you want to a) apologize b) grovel c) debase yourself d) sing my praises e) explain the error of your ways f) ask forgiveness g) sweep me off my feet (provided you have definite reason to believe I want this)

Conditions under which you should not email me:

• When terminating our relationship I said “please do not contact me”
• You are sending me a link to your own personal blog because you think I will find the post funny/interesting when you know I already follow you formally
• You are asking me for an unreasonable favor, canceling plans, breaking up with me, or saying anything else you’re too cowardly to say to me in person
• When the content is about yourself and/or a problem you are having and 75% or more of our communication is already centered on this issue
• You are my grandparent cuz that’s weird
• You are my boyfriend’s parent cuz that’s even weirder
• You are going to confront me about my religious beliefs or lack there of; this probably falls under point three, except it needs to be pointed out separately as evangelicals seem to have a major fondness for passive-aggressive confrontation. (Though you get bonus LOL points if you stylize bible versus in bold/colored font, I’ve seen that a lot.)
• I don’t like you and you don’t seem to be aware of that