Things You Can Do While Waiting For a Guy to Call

1) Read back through your entire text message history. Note the times he said something affirming. Consider the things you said that may have been off-putting upon a second or third read.

Text your friends about how they would interpret his comment that he “doesn’t like a lot of girls.”

2) Google articles about post first date calls. Is it still three days? Is it longer or shorter if he kissed you after and said he’d call you soon?

3) Draft scenarios in your head. Make sure you boil your experience down to some kind of false dilemma: either he is a bad person who was playing you for attention or he is an overly picky asshole who will never be happy.

4) Stalk. Check his Facebook, Twitter, gChat status, Foursquare, LastFM, Instagram, etc ad nauseum. Does he seem too busy with work to call? Did he post a picture of himself and another girl? Has he been listening to romantic music?

5) Think about how pathetic you are.

Who You Are in Bed is Who You Are in Life

I once slept with a guy who “didn’t have a lot of money” because he recently punched a man in the face and had to pay him $9,000. He made similarly short-term minded decisions in bed, I’m just less litigious.

But seriously, unlike all the trite Carrie Bradshawisms Sex and the City put out there, this assertion made by Samantha on the show might actually be true. For instance, there is a lot you can tell about a man’s character by how he treats you.

Is it all about him? Does he make you feel comfortable? What about the really creepy ones that hijack your birth control or suddenly do things you haven’t consented to? Those are definitely indicative of a pretty bad person. This isn’t the only place in their life they behave like this.

Similarly, have you ever noticed how flawless the transition is for someone you are dating that is on the lazy side to what kinds of positions they like? Or how willing they are to address and improve relationship problems? A guy who’s secure in his life doesn’t have a problem being vulnerable enough to confront a problem, and can try new things and be open in bed as well.

Once a guy kissed my neck as he told me he was really emotionally unavailable. The gargantuan split between our two realities never got any smaller from that moment.

Another time I hooked up with someone while I was blacked out. He told me his favorite night of us together was that night. When I…. had no personality? Outside of the bedroom he constantly talked about things he liked about me and I was like wait, what are you talking about? That’s not a part of my personality at all? For instance, he said he really enjoyed our “witty banter.” There’s probably nothing more annoying to me than people who think banter is cool? I am not playing a game when I am talking to you, it’s actually really important to me that people communicate sincerely and it’s really embarrassing and ostentatious and pretentious to talk about how witty you are.

I dated the most selfish baby on the face of the planet and he was so self-absorbed that he actually believed he was treating me with respect/reciprocity and that we had a good sex life. Like, he would bring up all the time how great we were in bed together. And all the time I would be like umm are you on glue? Are you present to this because if you stopped looking at your own reflection for one second you’d realize that this is not how a happy or sexually satisfied person behaves?

Maybe I am advocating jumping into bed with people faster, or maybe just paying more attention and using clear eyes when you do. Our personalities are present even when our brains aren’t.

IRL Conversation About Foreskin

One thing that’s great about having smart friends is you get to have interesting conversations all day. So today the brother of one of my friends was circumcised and apparently one of my other friends has very strong views about how circumcision is ‘mutilation’ because there’s no reason to do it other than aesthetic preference.

And behold the best of comments from our foreskin fight:

DUDEBRO: “REST IN PIECE THAT BROS FORESKIN. Don’t even get me started on foreskin. Don’t even.”

DUDEBRO 2: “I always talk about foreskin.”

GIRLBRO: “No foreskin politics on our trip this weekend.”

DUDEBRO: “First of all, how is it even political? It’s a matter of MUTILATION VS. NOT MUTILATION. You are pro circumcision and it hurts my feelings. :(“

GIRLBRO 2: “I hate it when people talk about it like genital mutilation. It’s like when white people complain about racism.”

DUDEBRO: “but part of your dick gets chopped off”

GIRLBRO 2: “oh whatever, when they do it to girls they cut your whole clit off so sex is painful and you can never orgasm, ever.”

GIRLBRO: “it might be a type of genital mutilation, but it is different than the hatred-and-oppression motivated mutilation that happens to women that renders them totally unable to have sex. i just think it’s a bit of a sensational comparison that downplays what makes female genital mutilation so horrifying.”

DUDEBRO: “It’s still chopping your dick off and making sex less pleasurable. And it’s done for stupid reasons.”

GIRLBRO: “You can’t dock without a foreskin I think.”

GIRLBRO 3: “True story: I have never seen an uncircumcised one can someone show me this weekend? A short tutorial would be helpful. Also while we are at it could I get a balls tutorial too those things are really confusing.”

GIRLBRO: “A penis is like 80 clits. I would like to have a dick for a week circumcised or not.”

DUDEBRO: “Sorry, I’m cut. So is everyone that’s coming this weekend I think. NO DOCKING FOR YOU.”

GIRLBRO 3: “But you have balls though.”

DUDEBRO 2: “TOO BAD I WONT BE THERE.”

GIRLBRO 2: “Do dockers wear dockers to self-identify?”

DUDEBRO: “no, they wear extra sexual pleasure while they’re fucking.”

DUDEBRO: “Also I think that if the tables were turned and men were deciding whether or not women should be circumcised there would be a huge uproar from the women.”

GIRLBRO 2: “Why did doctors invent circumcision?”

DUDEBRO 2: “Mainly for religious reasons which is why it’s crazy.”

DUDEBRO 2: “If you guys come out soon and get me drunk enough I might whip it out in a bathroom for you.”

GIRLBRO: “It always is men deciding that women should be circumcised and there is a huge uproar.”

DUDEBRO: “Yeah that’s what I meannnnnn. And not liking uncircumcised dicks because they’re ‘gross’ or something is totally offensive.”

GIRLBRO 2: “You are right about how not liking it because its gross is totally wrong. I wish it was more okay to feel uncomfortable because then i wouldn’t have a preference i would just be like um what do i do?”

GIRLBRO: “Yeah the only real reason for male circumcision it would seem is aesthetic preference, but for women it is because people want to stop them from being “sluts” and make them unable to have sex. women still do all kinda weird stuff down their to make their vag’s more aesthetically pleasing to men. but yes none of them is lopping off the outside.”

DUDEBRO: “can’t we leave women out of it? why are we comparing? can’t male circumcision be wrong independently?”

DUDEBRO 2: “Am I the only one that gets a little creeped out when circumcised dicks look like Neapolitan Ice Cream?”

GIRLBRO 3: “I have noticed that too. one of my exes had a hack job.”

DUDEBRO: “Jesus.”

DUDEBRO 2: “Sometimes (in porn, I’m lonely) I’ve seen ones where there seem to be honest to god color blocking going on. I don’t really know what causes this, but there are like color divisions.”

DUDEBRO: “ i googled Neapolitan dicks and all i found were photos of pizza.”

DUDEBRO 3: “I think most Westerners are getting beyond this, but the debate over female genital mutilation just to involve the question of whether condemning it is ethnocentric. Now most people put it in the just-plain-wrong category, but I can see people in those cultures thinking there’s a whiff of ethnocentrism in Americans saying, okay, the way YOU mutilate kids’ genitals is wrong, but the way WE do it is just fine.”

DUDEBRO: “Maybe it was partly “medical” and doctors wanted just another thing they could charge for. Tomorrow, lets drunkenly talk about how doctors are evil and have turned pregnancy into a Big Business medical procedure.”

DUDEBRO 2: “One more final inappropriate conversation: I NEVER HAD TO SNEAK KY INTO MY ROOM AS A TEEN. Boom. Money saved.”

DUDEBRO: “Maybe that’s a misconception on your behalf thinking that all cut guys need lube. BOOM.”