The Real World Drinking Game

Tonight is the third episode of the new series of the Real World. Seems like this season can’t be differentiated from any other season in the last 10 cycles except maybe there are no gay people on this one…. yet!

Anyway, this applies to any season across the board:

Drink every time a very attractive but also extremely impolite girl comments how she’s “not like other girls” or “is more like one of the guys” as an explanation or why she has no friends.

Drink every time someone says “I’m not here to make friends.”

Drink every time someone says that another person is “fake”.

Drink every time a cast member accuses another cast member of being there “for the wrong reasons.”

Drink twice every time a cast member accuses another cast member of not recognizing that they are on the Real World to “grow as a person.”

Drink every time a cast member has an unreciprocated or I-will-give-you-oral-sex-for-nothing-else-in-return relationship with another cast member.

Drink every time any demographic minority says “I hate how people like me are presented in a certain light” right before they publicly present themselves in that certain light.

Drink every time someone astronomically more attractive than the person on the cast pays attention to said cast member for the sake of camera exposure.

Take a shot for every pregnancy scare, STD scare, dead or dying family member, hometown breakup, and ‘shocking secret’ that is alluded to in one episode but turns out not to be a big deal in the next.

Pros and Cons of Getting Ready in a Group

Pros:

  • Don’t feel as guilty beginning the shot-taking at 8 p.m.
  • Can loudly bitch about crazy ex rather than secretly text him back.
  • Feel less guilty about blasting Britney Spears club remixes.
  • Abundance of compliments even if you look terrible.
  • SHOTS, did I already say that?
  • You get to feel like you’re college again.
  • Forced to get on your two feet rather than masturbating and watching reruns of the Real Housewives for four hours.
  • If you’re the host, no excuse but to clean your apartment and hide your embarrassing single stuff (dirty wine glasses, empty Ambien RX container on your nightstand, various anti-acne products strewn across your dresser, etc.)

Cons:

  • You can’t stare at yourself in the mirror as long as you usually would.
  • It’s harder to sneak away to take a shit.
  • Can’t take the usual 20 – 60 front-facing iPhone camera pics of yourself as usual.
  • Can’t speakerphone your mom about an update regarding your aunt’s cancer situation while doing your hair.
  • Feel more embarrassed than usual when your neighbors pound on your ceiling re: Britney Spears volume.
  • You go out looking like shit because your friends weren’t actually going to tell you that you look like an old whore, were they?
  • Even if they did, no outfit change because you brought your whole life in a bag. If you forgot underwear or hairspray you’re pretty much screwed.
  • All your friend has is UV Cake vodka and you puked that last weekend.
  • You get to feel like you’re college again. Except this time you’ve resolved yourself to giving up anal sex, you had to tuck in your extra ten pounds, and you make up for your brand new wrinkles by putting on more eye makeup (see: old whore).