I’ve spent probably the last six months worrying about whether this bridesmaid dress I ordered will fit.
1. The size I ordered was basically a shot in the dark because the lady who helped me was (very nice but) stupid, bridesmaid dress sizing is fucked to begin with, i lost like 60 pounds since i ordered it, etc
2. The dress was arriving only 4 weeks before the wedding and then at the last minute i ended up going out of town so I could only try it on 2 weeks before the wedding which is NOT enough time to make any major changes
3. It’s just the kind of thing that probably wouldn’t go wrong, but if it did it would be a very big/stressful deal.
None of these factors even matter, it was just this random thing that my anxiety decided to attach to. Like, “oh you’re trying to fall asleep? Here’s something to get stressed out about instead that is completely outside of your control.” If it wasn’t this, it would be something else.
So, the wedding is in two weeks and I finally get home and pick the dress up and make an appointment with a tailor and the dress fits fucking perfectly. Of course, it is ugly as hell but whatever. The only change we’re making is taking in the very top an inch because it is floor length and strapless and the probability that my entire family is going to see my boobs is already high (whyyyyyyyy). Literal gallons of worry, missed sleep, flashes of unenjoyment at whatever activity I was doing: for nothing.
There are supposedly two kinds of people in the world, people who accept circumstances and people who are like me and try to “maximize” what they get out of everything. These people work harder to be happy, but are always less happy than the laid-back people. It’s freaking aggravating. Because, I feel I am functioning at like, 90% of everything being good right now. Which is very, very high. But the 10% is dragging me down. Which is, exactly the wrong way to go about being happy.
I wonder if anxiety is made up sometimes, like, there needs to be a way to force myself into acceptance. Like, I think that is the whole purpose of several religions, to detach. Like, emotional communism is maybe the answer.