- Don’t feel as guilty beginning the shot-taking at 8 p.m.
- Can loudly bitch about crazy ex rather than secretly text him back.
- Feel less guilty about blasting Britney Spears club remixes.
- Abundance of compliments even if you look terrible.
- SHOTS, did I already say that?
- You get to feel like you’re college again.
- Forced to get on your two feet rather than masturbating and watching reruns of the Real Housewives for four hours.
- If you’re the host, no excuse but to clean your apartment and hide your embarrassing single stuff (dirty wine glasses, empty Ambien RX container on your nightstand, various anti-acne products strewn across your dresser, etc.)
- You can’t stare at yourself in the mirror as long as you usually would.
- It’s harder to sneak away to take a shit.
- Can’t take the usual 20 – 60 front-facing iPhone camera pics of yourself as usual.
- Can’t speakerphone your mom about an update regarding your aunt’s cancer situation while doing your hair.
- Feel more embarrassed than usual when your neighbors pound on your ceiling re: Britney Spears volume.
- You go out looking like shit because your friends weren’t actually going to tell you that you look like an old whore, were they?
- Even if they did, no outfit change because you brought your whole life in a bag. If you forgot underwear or hairspray you’re pretty much screwed.
- All your friend has is UV Cake vodka and you puked that last weekend.
- You get to feel like you’re college again. Except this time you’ve resolved yourself to giving up anal sex, you had to tuck in your extra ten pounds, and you make up for your brand new wrinkles by putting on more eye makeup (see: old whore).